Hannah’s Haus is a free weekly newsletter. If you feel connected with my work, please consider supporting this publication by subscribing, and sharing these words with a friend.
After an argument with my husband this past weekend, I’m finally deciding to face, acknowledge and come to terms with a pattern I’ve carried for a long while — one I’m not proud of, and one I’d desperately like to change: my need for placing unrealistic expectations on situations, future scenarios, other people, and life itself.
I cringe to think of the many moments ruined because I refused to accept things as they were. Family gatherings, weekend outings, new experiences, the way someone was showing up, or not showing up, for me in the moment — all sabotaged by my own expectations, because the vision in my head didn’t match the one that was unfolding right in front of me. It’s hard to see the beauty in things just as they are, if as they are doesn’t appear exactly as I want them to. I resist accepting people, moments, and things, unless these people, moments, and things match the expectations I’ve set for them in my mind.
Deep down, I know holding rigid expectations is the best way to feel disappointment — and still, I continue to do it anyway.
This tendency stems from a deeply rooted belief I’ve held most of my life, which is the fear of loosing control. That if I don’t control situations, nothing will ever go right. That if I don’t control other people, I’ll be let down again and again. That if I don’t control my own life experience, everything will evidently fall apart. Wrapped in this believe is another fear: the fear of disappointment, sadness, failure, and pain. I’m afraid to be let down, because I know it will open a flood gate of emotions. And I’m afraid to feel these emotions, because I’m afraid of loosing myself in them.
Even as I write this, it seems so silly — to be afraid of uncomfortable emotions, afraid of disappointment, afraid of pain. But it is my truth. I’m terrified to be let down, so I do everything in my power to control situations, outcomes, people, and myself, in the hopes of curating experiences that feel good. That meet my expectations. That match the vision in my head of how things are supposed to be.
Who determines how things are supposed to be, anyways? Who decides if the desired outcome in my head is the right outcome, the one that serves in the greatest and highest good of all people? Who says there is only one correct way for things to unfold, to manifest, to be? Who says ‘supposed to’ even exists?
The ironic part of controlling expectations to prevent pain is that the expectations we set, and means of control we use to have these expectations met, are often the actual source of pain.
If I hadn’t created those future projections in the first place, there would be nothing to compare my current experience to. Instead, everything would feel novel, fresh — like how life appears to a child, or when we travel to a foreign place and experience the world as new again. This curious, receptive, and expansive way of being invokes a sense of astonishment, wonder, creativity, and awe. It’s free of expectations and assumptions and should’s. It’s living through the lens of a beginner’s mind.
When we project internal expectations onto other people and future scenarios, we block our ability to be open to what’s here. When we become hyper-focused on how things are supposed to be, we’re unable to accept things as they are. When we cling to self-created presumptions, we prevent the magic of this moment from being felt. Needing expectations to be met in order to accept sets us up for a life of struggle, a life of resistance, a life of discontentment. Because the truth is, we cannot control most outcomes — and our expectations for them will often fall short again and again.
We cannot control others.
We cannot control things.
We cannot control life itself.
I no longer wish to be confined by the mental cage of expectations. As I continue to unravel this deeply rooted patterning, one thing becomes clear: There is so much peace and freedom that comes with accepting things fully as they are. Accepting other people. Accepting family dynamics. Accepting parts of ourselves. Accepting the present moment. Accepting the unfolding of life. Letting things be just as they are, without bringing my own narratives, stories, and beliefs to the table. Without allowing my expectations to cloud the perfection of what’s right here.
Today, I’d like to leave you with the following quotes from Eckhart Tolle and Michael A. Singer, two of the most profound spiritual teachers and writers I’ve ever known. Let these words seep into your soul as do for me, and let them set you free.
“Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” - Eckhart Tolle
“Acceptance means events can make it through you without resistance” - Michael A Singer
Let’s choose to accept, love, and honour people just as they are.
Let’s choose to accept, love, and honour ourselves just as we are.
Let’s choose to accept, love, and honour outcomes just as they unfold.
Let’s choose to accept, love, and honour our current experience just as it feels.
Let’s choose to accept, love, and honour the present moment just as it is.
From my heart to yours, thank you for reading Hannah’s Haus. If you feel connected to my work, please let me know by tapping the heart to like the post, commenting with your thoughts below, and sharing this post with someone else who might enjoy it.
Yes, everything about this hits my soul so deep. As someone who often has high expectations inevitably ending in more pain than good it’s so nice to read someone else’s experience on this x