I’ve had a really hard time making friends as an adult.
In high school, I vividly remember the large group of girls who were all best friends, and had been since childhood. I longed to be apart of a group like this — but I was never that girl. Instead, I’ve had many changing friendships over the years. My friends as a little girl, my grade school group, my high school best friends, all continuously shifting throughout different stages of my life. Each friend was perfect for who I was at the time, but deep down, I never fully felt seen, heard, or understood in any of these relationships. My friendships lacked true intimacy and depth, because I’d never touched the deepest depths within myself.
It wasn’t until after highschool, when I moved away from my small hometown to live in the big city, that I started to experience true loneliness. I knew no one here, and making friends proved harder than I initially thought it would be. Despite how much effort I poured into fostering new connections, I always felt a little different, a little disconnected, a little out of place. I didn’t know how to attract the friendships I craved so deeply, because I wasn’t yet ready to hold these friendships. I didn’t know how to be my true self around others, because I hadn’t yet discovered who my true self really was. During this time in my life, friendship felt far from easy. It felt hard. It felt unnatural. It felt forced.
These years of loneliness were some of the most painful, as I dipped in and out of many different friendships that never seemed to stick. But from the thick fog of loneliness, an incredible gift emerged — a gift I never expected to receive. I was gently, tenderly, and lovingly forced to be with myself.
As a teenager, I struggled to be with myself. When I was alone, big emotions would emerge in those moments of stillness that I didn’t quite know what to do with. Friendship was my coping mechanism, using other people as a distraction from myself. These years of loneliness gave me no where to hide. It sort of feels like the universe took away my coping mechanism, so I could finally look within and see what was here.
The gift of loneliness started my ‘spiritual awakening’ in a sense. Loneliness brought me to meditation. Loneliness introduced me to countless self-development books and spiritual teachers. Loneliness gave me space to figure out my passions, try new hobbies, and discover who I was and what I liked. It brought many incredible things into my life, such as a deep love for nature, cooking, reading, writing, yoga, and art. Eventually, loneliness helped me find true joy in being with myself.
It was within these depths of loneliness that I finally touched my real self, and awakened her to the world. And as I continue to do so, incredible friendships have entered my life. True, deep, meaningful friendships with people who feel like my people. These friendships are healthy friendships, with mutual support, unconditional love, endless respect, and healthy boundaries, which wasn’t a feeling I had experienced before.
I think for many of us, making friends in general is hard — but especially as an adult, when the safety net of school is no longer there to provide us with the optimal environment for creating connection. Especially if you work for yourself, or from home, or simply don’t have an opportunity to bond with co-workers daily. Especially if you move to a new town with no prior relationships.
Our modern day culture continues to move farther and farther away from true connection, true community, true intimacy, and towards a way of living that is self-sufficient, isolated, and inherently lonely. I wonder if anyone has escaped the underlying loneliness infused into so many aspects of this modern day society.
In addition to all these barriers, I was looking for friends in all the wrong places. I was trying so desperately to be someone I wasn’t, hoping this person would be accepted, liked, loved. I continued to attract the wrong sorts of friendships, because I was trying to be someone who wasn’t aligned with who I truly was.
Loneliness created a space for me to become intimate with myself, and this intimacy allowed intimate friendship into my life. We have to become comfortable with who we truly are, and allow this person to shine their light in the world, to attract friendships that love, honour, and see this truth. We have to be ourselves in order to find the people who will love us for us.
I still experience loneliness from time to time, or wish I had more friends, or wish more of my friends lived closer to me — as every single human being has, and does. But when I do, I no longer try to reject, hide, or run away from these feelings. I welcome loneliness with tenderness and care, seeing now the gift that lies within it’s depths.
May loneliness serve as a bridge to our inner world.
May loneliness show us what and who we truly love.
May loneliness reconnect us with our deepest self.
From my heart to yours, thank you for reading Hannah’s Haus. If you feel connected to my work, please let me know by tapping the heart to like the post, commenting with your thoughts below, and sharing this post with someone else who might enjoy it.
As always, your words are so powerful Hannah, and reach my inbox just when I needed them most. I am on the cusp of reaching adulthood but have felt that same struggle in making meaningful connections that feel truly supportive. Thank you for bringing this to light, xx✨🤍